A

"Outside consultants sought for test of gas chamber."
- Ad in Arizona Republic

"Golden, Ripe, Boneless Bananas, 39 Cents A Pound."
- Ad in the "Missoulian" by Orange Street Food Farm

"FOR RENT: CONDOM... ONLY US$650."
- Ad in Jakarta Post, should have read Condo

"I didn't know Onward Christian Soldiers was a Christian song."
- Aggie Pate, at a non-denominational mayor's breakfast, Fort Worth, Texas

"I invented the internet".
- Al Gore, former U.S. Vice President

"I didn't realize I was in a Buddhist temple."
- Al Gore, former U.S. Vice President when asked about his illegal fundraising activities that took place in a Buddhist temple.

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
- Alan Minter, Boxer

"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
- Alicia Silverstone, Actress

"See the New York Jets play the Cinncinnati Bagels this Sunday on NBC."
- Announcer on WNBC station

"How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby."
- Anonymous Manufacturer

"Traffic is very heavy at the moment, so if you are thinking of leaving now, you'd better set off a few minutes earlier."
- Anonymous Traffic Report

"This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time."
- Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL

"During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the sideline with his hands in his pockets while biting his nails."
- AP report describing Fresno State basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian

"We are unable to announce the weather. We depend on weather reports from the airport, which is closed, due to weather. Whether we will be able to give you a weather report tomorrow will depend on the weather."
- Arab News report

"I wish men had boobs because I like the feel of them. It's so funny - when I record I sing with a hand over each of them, maybe it's a comfort thing."
- Baby Spice of the Spice Girls

"Most hotels are already booked solid by people, plus 5,000 journalists."
- Bangkok Post

"Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, "Thank God, I'm still alive." But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again."
- Barbara Boxer, Senator

"City fathers were hoping to raise enough money to erect a new bronze statue of the Duck of Wellington."
- BBC commentator

"I don't think the Republicans can damage my character"
- Bill Clinton, former U.S. President

"Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women.  And I hope I never get into that."
- Bill Clinton, former U.S. president

"You know the one thing that's wrong with this country? Everyone gets a chance to have their fair say."
- Bill Clinton, former U.S. President

"Two grand slams in a week - man, that's seven or eight ribbies right there."
- Bill Madlock, Baseball broadcaster

"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
- Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
- Bill Peterson, football coach

"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
- Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach

"You guys have to run a little more than full speed out there."
- Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach

"Next up is the Central African Republic located in central Africa."
- Bob Costas, during the parade of nations in the 2000 Summer Games in Sydney, Australia

"Life is very important to Americans."
- Bob Dole, U.S. Senator from Kansas

"The internet is a great way to get on the net."
- Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate

"Cod are not very good swimmers so they are easily overtaken by trawlers and nets."
- British government report on why cod fish are  disappearing from the North Sea.

"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
- Britney Spears, Pop Singer

"Where the hell is Australia anyway?"
- Britney Spears, Pop Singer

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.

"It's nice, it gives you a feeling of security so that if something breaks we know we can always call a guy over and he'll bring a drill or something."
- Brooke Shields, Actress, on why it was is good to live in a   co-ed dormitory when she was in college.

"Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."
- Budapest Zoo sign

"Inbreeding is how we get championship horses."
- Carl Gunter, Louisiana state representative, explaining why he was fighting a proposed antiabortion bill that allowed abortion in cases of incest.

"Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver."
- Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman

"If you walk backwards, you'll find out that you can go forwards and people won't know if you're coming or going."
- Casel Stengal, former Baseball player

"The team has come along slow but fast."
- Casey Stengel, Baseball player/manager

"I think the team that wins Game 5 will win the series.  Unless we lose Game 5."
- Charles Barkley, NBA Basketball Player

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
- Charles De Gaulle, former French President

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents,   1899.

"It's only puffy when it's swollen."
- Charlie Hough, Baseball player, describing his broken finger

"Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself."
- Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator"

"As Deng's health is now failing, many matters have been passed to Wan Li, who despite his age is still alive."
- company report, China Inc.

"Football players win football games."
- Chuck Knox, football coach

"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
- Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice.

"These people haven't seen the last of my face. If I go down, I'm going down standing up."
- Chuck Person, NBA Basketball player

"Most lies about blondes are false."
- Cincinnati Times-Star, headline

"Models are like baseball players.  We make a lot of money quickly, but all of a sudden we're 30 years old, we don't have a college education, we're qualified for nothing, and we're used to a very nice lifestyle.  The best thing is to marry a movie star."
- Cindy Crawford, Supermodel

"SUPREME COURT REULES THAT MURDERERS SHALL NOT BE ELECTROCUTED
TWICE FOR THE SAME CRIME."
- Cleveland Daily News, Headline

"Lack of brains hinders research."
- Columbus Dispatch, Headline

"Any person who shall lead or drive a bear upon any highway shall be fined not more than $50."
- Connecticut General Statutes, Section 6215

"Better make it six, I can't eat eight."
- Dan Osinski, Baseball pitcher, when a waitress asked if he   wanted his pizza cut into six or eight slices

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President

"Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is a --it is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation."
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history.  But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President

"If you give a person a fish, they'll fish for a day.  But if you train a person to fish, they'll fish for a lifetime."
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago"
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system!"
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President on the concept of a   manned mission to Mars

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President

"It isn't pollution that is hurting the environment, it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President

"We are not ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President

"It isn't pollution that is hurting the environment, it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President

"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President

"And now the sequence of events in no particular order."
- Dan Rather, television news anchor

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
- Danny Ozark, Philadelphia Phillies manager

"The places where I need work are on my inside and outside games."
- Darnell Hillman, professional basketball player

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."
- David Acfield

"Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres."
- David Coleman, sportscaster

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

"The only reason we're 7-0 is because we've won all seven of our games."
- David Garcia, baseball team manager

"Beyond its entertainment value, Baywatch has enriched and, in many cases, helped save lives.  I'm looking forward to the opportunity to continue with a project which has has such a significance for so many."
- David Hasselhoff, Actor

"All you have to do is go down to the bottom of your swimming pool and hold your breath."
- David Miller, US DOE spokesperson, on protecting yourself from nuclear radiation

"Sit by the homely girl, you'll look better by comparison."
- Debra Maffett, Miss America 1983

"We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out."
- Decca Records Rejecting the Beatles, in 1962

"Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college, where you figure out two plus two is 10, or something."
- Dennis Rodman, NBA Basketball player, on Chicago Bull's team chemistry being overrated

"We're just physically not physical enough."
- Denny Crum,  Louisville basketball coach

"Weather forecast: precipitation in the morning, rain in the afternoon."
- Detroit Daily News

"What we have is two important values in conflict: freedom of speech and our desire for healthy campaigns and a healthy democracy.  You can't have both."
- Dick Gephardt, Missouri representative

"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."
- Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.

"Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points they almost always win."
- Doug Collins, basketball commentator

"We are trying to change the 1974 Constitution, whenever that was passed."
- Donald Kennard, Louisiana state representative

"We don't want balloons, the plastics, the horror!"
- Doug Heller, Green Party media coordinator

"Can you get a ticket for running a stop sign that is not
there?"
- Driver school applicant

"The world is more like it is now then it ever has before."
- Dwight Eisenhower

"I wish men had boobs because I like the feel of them. It's so funny - when I record I sing with a hand over each of them, maybe it's a comfort thing."
- Emma Bunton, Baby Spice of the pop band Spice Girls

"You'd better learn secretverdana work or else get married."
- Emmeline Snively, Director of the Blue Book Modeling Agency,  giving advice to Marilyn Monroe in 1944

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet."
- Ernest Bevin, Former British foreign minister

"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money."
- Everett Dirksen, Congressman

"Can you imagine if his mouth was open?"
- Fabio's Manager, upon learning her client had been struck  in the nose by a bird.

"Our strength is that we don't have any weaknesses. Our weakness is that we don't have any real strengths."
- Frank Broyles, College football coach

"Boxing’s all about getting the job done as quickly as possible, whether it takes 10 or 15 or 20 rounds."
- Frank Bruno, Boxer

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe."
- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.

"How can a guy this politically immature seriously expect to be president?"
- Franklin D. Roosevelt, Jr., assessing John F. Kennedy's chances in the 1960 U.S. election

"You mean they've scheduled Yom Kippur opposite Charlie's Angels?"
- Fred Silverman, TV programmer, when told that Yom Kippur would   fall on a Wednesday.

G

"There is no housing shortage in Lincoln today - just a rumour that is put about by people who have nowhere to live."
- G.L. Murfin, Mayor of Lincoln

"Yes, maam?  Right here, this lady.  No, she!  Yes, right, second row.  Next to the guy in the blue shirt, holding her left hand up.  It's a he?  Sorry about that.  Gotta be careful.  I'm very sorry.  Go ahead! I'm, excuse me, I'm very sorry. Go, ah, I, a thousand apologies, go ahead."
- George Bush Sr., Former U.S. President, at a press conference

"I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them."
- George Bush, former U.S. President

"It is white."
- George W. Bush, when asked what the White house was like by a student in East London

"...NATO and its allies and the United States."
- President George W. Bush Jr. (when he was governor),  forgetting that the U.S. is in NATO

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
- George Gobel

"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
- George Rogers, NFL New Orleans Saint RB, when asked about the  upcoming season

"I've read about foreign policy and studied -- I know the number of continents."
- George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC instructor

"If you think is was an accident, applaud."
- Geraldo Rivera, talk show host, to his audience on Natalie Wood's drowning

"This is unparalyzed in the state's history."
- Gib Lewis, Texas Speaker of the House

"And now, will y'all stand and be recognized."
- Gib Lewis, Texas Speaker of the House, to a group of people in wheelchairs on Disability Day

"I cannot tell you how grateful I am -- I am filled with humidity."
- Gib Lewis, speaker of the Texas House

"I can't think of a comparable level of cultural excitement about something since Neil Armstrong landed on the moon in the 1960s."
- Gil Schwartz, CBS publicist, on the "Survivor" finale.

"For most people, death comes at the end of their lives."
- GLR broadcaster, UK

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
- Greg Norman, Golfer

"Does the album have any songs you like that aren't on it?
- Harry News, music reviewer

"From an early age I was aware of what America meant, and how the Marines at Camp Pendleton were ready to defend us at a moment's notice.  I also remember what fabulous bodies those troops had."
- Heather Locklear, Actress

"Sonny Liston has a very unusual injury, a dislocated soldier."
- Henry Cooper, BBC sportscaster

"Coming on to pitch is Mike Moore, who is six-foot-one and 212 years old."
- Herb Score, Sportscaster

"A period novel! About the Civil War! Who needs the Civil War now -- who cares?"
- Herbert R. Mayes (Editor of the Pictorial Review ), turning down a prepublication offer to serialize Margaret Mitchell's novel Gone with the Wind, 1936

"Give Bill a second term, and Al Gore and I will be turned loose to do what we really want to do."
- Hillary Clinton, former first lady, at a Democratic fundraiser

"The war did not turn in Japan's favor, and trends of the world are not advantageous to us."
- Japan's Emperor Hirohito, announcing his country's surrender to America and its WWII allies, after two atom bombs had been dropped.

"Teeth extracted by the latest methodists."
- Hong Kong dental advertisement

"For the majority of people, the use of tobacco has a beneficial effect."
- Dr. Ian G. MacDonald, Los Angles Surgeon, as Quoted in Newsweek November 18, 1969.

"I deny the allegations and I defy the alligators!"
- Indicted Chicago Alderman

"FIRST, CARRY TO FIRE."
- Instructions on a fire extinguisher

"Passive activity income does not include the following: Income for an activity that is not a passive activity."
- IRS form 8583, Passive Activity Loss Limitation

"Secretaries for openings in college administrative areas. Good typing, word processing helpful. Able to interfere with faculty, staff, and students."
- Irondequoit, NY want-ad

"Fiction writing is great, you can make up almost anything."
- Ivana Trump, on finishing her first novel

"Absolutely.  I am not garbage - a single girl type.
- Ivana Trump, on whether she will marry again

"I do not like this word "bomb." It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding."
- Jacques le Blanc, French ambassador on nuclear weapons

"The people in the Navy look on motherhood as being compatible with being a woman."
- James R. Hogg, Rear Admiral

"His previous wives just didn't understand him."
- Jan Chamberlain, wife #8 for Mickey Rooney

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
- Jason Kidd upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"I don't want to ever, ever do something in life that isn't fun. Ever."
- Jennifer Love Hewitt, Actress, in the February Cosmopolitan.

"We're going to move left and right at the same time."
- Jerry Brown, Governor of California

"Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres!"
- Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer

"There's a soft liner, which is caught by the second baseman.  And the ball game is over!  For this inning.
- Jerry Coleman, Baseball announcer

"Whoever designed the streets must have been drunk... I think it was those Irish guys."
- Jesse Ventura, Minnesota governor

"I think everybody gets caught up in superstitions.  But I don't put much stock in them... knock on wood."
- Jim Deshaies, Minnesota Twins pitcher

"A brain scan revealed Andrew Caddick is not suffering from a stress fracture of the shin."
- Jo Sheldon

"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl."
- Joe Jacoby, NFL Football player, of the Washington Redskins

"To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."
- Matt Millen, NFL Football player, of the Raiders

"My appetite is so good that I can eat the tablecloth right off
the chair."
- Joseph Moakley, Massachusetts representative

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
- Joe Theisman, quarterback and sports analyst

"In a sense it's a one-man show... except there are two men involved, Hartson and Berkovic, and a third man, the goalkeeper."
- John Motson, BBC1

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
- John Wayne, Actor

"I have no political ambitions for myself or my children."
- Joseph P. Kennedy, 1936

"I have a God-given talent. I got it from my dad."
- Julian Wakefield, Missouri basketball player

"Solitude is a silent storm that breaks down all our dead  branches; yet it sends our living roots deeper into the living heart of the living earth."
- Kahlil Gibran

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
- Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

"If I had a choice of having a woman in my arms or shooting a bad guy on a horse, I'd take the horse. It's a lot more fun"
- Kevin Costner, Actor

"When I'm a blonde, I can say the world is purple, and they'll believe me because they weren't listening to me."
- Kylie Bax, Model/Actress , in Stuff magazine.

"If you're living in an area with a bad school, move to a place where there's a better school."
- Lamar Alexander, former Secretary of Education, explaining   his ideas on what parents of children who attend poorly funded urban or rural schools should do to solve the problem

"We talked five times.  I called him twice, and he called me twice."
- Larry Bowa, California Angels coach

"I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted."
- Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank,   explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World   countries.

"If you or any member of your family has been killed..."
- Lawyer commercial on TV, Orlando, Florida

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
- Lee Iacocca, former Chrysaler Chariman

"I don't diet.  I just don't eat as much as I'd like to."
- Linda Evangelista, Supermodel

"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
- Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota.

"I don't think that Saddam Hussein is deliberately starving his own people. I would think that a man who gets 99 percent of the people to vote for him in an election and the people love him so much, how would they love a man that is starving them?"
- Louis Farrakhan, Leader of The Nation of Islam

"It is now 22 minutes past 8:30."
- Lynn Russell, WKAT radio disc jockey

"Listen, everyone is entitled to my opinion."
- Madonna

"Man shots neighbor with machete."
- Miami Herald, headline

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole
  Superieure de Guerre.

"Whenever I watch TV and I see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry.  I mean I would love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
- Mariah Carey, Pop Singer

"I say no to drugs, but they don't listen."
- Marilyn Manson, Singer

"If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very low crime rate."
- Marion Barry, mayor of Washington, D.C.

"The largest crowd ever in the state of Las Vegas."
- Mark Jones, TV Broadcaster

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

"Okay, everyone, now inhale... and then dehale!"
- Maury Wills, Los Angeles Dodgers captain, leading his teammates   through warm-up calisthenics

"Pitching is 80% of the game.  The other half is hitting and fielding."
- Mickey Rivers, baseball player

"It's like when I buy a horse.  I don't want a thick neck and
short legs."
- Mickey Rourke, Actor, describing what he wants in a woman.

"I'd rather be dead than singing 'Satisfaction' when I am forty-five."
- Mick Jagger, Pop Singer,  before he turned 45

"I'm a 4-wheel-drive pickup type of guy. So is my wife."
- Mike Greenwell, Baseball player

"It's got lots of installation."
- Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, describing his new coat

"Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it."
- Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant.

"I'm convinced the Beatles are partly responsible for the fall of Communism."
- Milos Forman, Film director

"I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were ever supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
- Miss Alabama, in the 1994 Miss Universe contest, when asked if   she would want to live forever.

"The Lybian army is capable of destroying America and breaking its nose."
- Muammar Qaddafi, Libyian President

"A 'No Parking' sign at a certain location means..."
- multiple choice question on NY State learner's permit test

"Except for his car, he's the only man on the track."
- Murray Walker, Sportcaster

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical."
- Murray Walker, Sportscaster

"I think you can't repeat the first time of something..."
- Natalie Imbrulia, Singer, on her Grammy nomination

"Danny, as you know, was hospitalized last week after complaining about chest and sideburns."
- Ned Martin, Sportscaster

"That's just the tip of the ice cube."
- Neil Hamilton, BBC2

"The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet."
- Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.

"It is thought that Raj Mohammed Poselay was beaten to death, possibly during a family fun day in the park."
- Newspaper, Wolverton Express & Star (UK)

"We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally."
- Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony

"Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway."
- Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane.

"I've seen 'Much Ado About Nothing' three times.  It's a great play that's full of humor... I'm not used to that kind of culture and stuff."
- Pamela Lee, Actress, commenting on Kenneth Branagh's film of the Shakespearean play

"If only faces could talk..."
- Pat Summerall, Sportscaster,  during the Super Bowl

"Good looking people turn me off.  Myself included."
- Patrick Swayze, Actor

"If people get a kick out of running down pedestrians, you have to let them do it."
- Paul Jacobs, marketing director for a video game company

"Hey cabbie, could you turn that thing down a hundred disciples?"
- Paul Owen, Baseball player complaining about the radio being   too loud

"Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean."
- Pedro Guerrero, Baseball player, on reporters

"Guys aren't able to get $15 or $20 million anymore, so you have to play for the love of the game."
- Penny Hardaway, NBA Basketball Player

"The FA are still optimistic about England's bid to stage the  World Cup in twenty thousand and six."
- Peter Snow, BBC2 anchorman

"And the ball is out here.  No, it's not.  Yes it is.  No, it's not.  What happened."
- Phil Rizzuto, NY Yankees announcer

"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post."
- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode   Island

"Can you hear me?  Squeeze once for yes and twice for no."
- Police detective questioning a wounded officer

"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off."
- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.

"Mando Machinery Corporation is the undisputed leader in Korea automotive pants industry."
- Press Release from Korean firm

"Man thought hurt, but slightly dead."
- Providence Journal Headline

"Reports are sketchy, but we have heard that in the first heart transplant operation in Belgium, both patient and donor are doing fine."
- Radio news announcer

"All of the Mets' road wins against Los Angeles this year have been at Dodger Stadium."
- Ralph Kiner, NY Sportscaster

"We'll be back with the recrap after this message."
- Ralph Kiner, Mets sportscaster

"In the hunt to buy the San Francisco Giants was George Shinn, owner of the Charlotte Harlots."
- Ralph Kiner, Mets broadcaster

"I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
- Ray Forsythe, Clemson recruit, who was ineligible as a freshman   because of academic requirements

"While sitting in a tavern, someone hit my nose from behind."
- reason given for insurance claim

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."
- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields'   Cookies.

"Mattie's Restaurant and Yoghurt Palace, 'An alternative to Good Eating'"
- Restaurant Business Card from Decatur, Texas

"I didn't accept it. I received it."
- Richard Allen, National Security Advisor to former President Reagan, explaining the $1000 in cash and two watches he was given by two Japanese journalists after he helped arrange a private interview for them with First Lady Nancy Reagan.

"Mr. Milosevic has to be careful.  The calendar is ticking."
- Richard Haas, NBC News consultant

"Solutions are not the answer."
- Richard Nixon, former U.S. President

"I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes."
- Richard Nixon, former U.S. President

"Hi I'm Dean White, Dick, of the college."
- Richard (Dick) White, Duke University academic Dean introducing himself at a faculty dinner.

"Danger Slow Men At Work"
- Road sign in Brunei

"Permitted vehicles not allowed."
- Road sign on US 27

"There is certainly more in the future now than back in 1964."
- Roger Daltrey, Singer/Actor

"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces."
- Ron Atkinson

"I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better."
- Ron Atkinson

"Bruce Sutter has been around for awhile and he's pretty old. He's thirty-five years old. That will give you some idea of how old he is."
- Ron Fairley, Giants broadcaster

"Facts are stupid things."
- Ronald Reagan, Former U.S. President

"He's passe. Nobody cares about Mickey anymore. There are whole batches of Mickeys we just can't give away. I think we should phase him out."
- Roy Disney, Walt Disney's brother, 1937

"Elephants Please Stay In Your Car."
- Safari park sign

"A bachelor's life is no life for a single man."
- Samuel Goldwyn

"Man Breaks Leg In Fall Off Bride."
- St. Louis Disptach Headline (should have read "bridge.")

"A verbal contract is not worth the paper it's written on."
- Samuel Goldwyn

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
- Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
- Shaquille O'Neal, basketball player, on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece

"I don't think we learned a lesson; I think it was a learning experience for us."
- Shaquille O'Neal, basketball player, after game 4 of the 2001 NBA finals, on being asked by NBC reporter Jim Gray if LA had learned a lesson from what happened the previous year in Indiana

"Ladies are requested not to have children at the bar."
- Sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge

"After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board."
- Sign in a British office.

"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
- Sign in Men's clothing store

"MIDNIGHT BOWLING SATURDAY AT 9 P.M."
- Sign outside bowling alley in Lakewood, CO

"SAFETY FIRST: Please put on your seat belt - prepare for accident."
- Sign on backseat of Taxi

"This Is The Gate Of Heaven, Enter Ye All By This Door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft.  Please use side entrance.)
- Sign on church door

"We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work.)"
- Sign on door of repair shop

"I consider Madonna a friend, and she sure knows how to work the publicity machine.  Of course, I don't have breasts.  If I did  have, I'd be in the number one spot over Madonna."
- Spike Lee, Director

"Man Breaks Leg In Fall Off Bride."
- St. Louis Post-Dispatch, headline (should have read "bridge')

"I'm someone who has a deep emotional attachment to Starsky and Hutch."
- Bill Clinton, former U.S. president

"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
- Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left winger, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker

"What will you do when you leave football, Jack, will you stay in football?"
- Stuart Hall, Radio 5 live

"It's like their own personal equipment, like you have pens."
- General Syarwan Hamid of Indonasia, justifying why his soldiers carry loaded guns on the streets.

"The only happy artist is a dead artist, because only then you can't change.  After I die, I'll probably come back as a paintbrush."
- Sylvestor Stallone, Actor

"I favor access to discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation."
- Ted Kenneday, US Senator

"I would say that anything that is indeent and violent in TV is a crime against humanity and they should shoot the head man responsible."
- Ted Turner, Media Mogul

"If I sold all my liabilities, I wouldn't own anything.  My ife's a liability, my kids are liabilities, and I haven't sold them."
- Ted Turner, Media Mogul, on selling off his money losing properties

"I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid."
- Terry Bradshaw, Former football player/announcer

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
- Terry Venables

Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
Defendant: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."
- Testimony from court records

"It's like an Alcatraz around my neck"
- Thomas Menino, Boston Mayor, on the shortage of city parking spaces

"He was a man of great statue"
- Thomas Menino, Bostom Mayor, on former mayor John Collins

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"Now, the only thing that remains unresolved is the resolution of the problem."
- Thomas Wells, Ontario legislature minister

"I was glad to see Italy win.  All the guys on the team were Italians."
- Tom Lasorda, former Dodger manager on World Cup soccer tournament

"Every city I go to is an oppurtunity to paint, whether it's Omaha or Hawaii."
- Tony Bennett, Singer

"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
- Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach,  John Jenkins

"Did people build this, or did Indians?"
- Tourist question at Mesa Verde National Park

"And an Mansell comes into the pits, he's quite literally sweating his eyeballs out."
- UK Sports coverage on TV

"We didn't lose, we weren't beaten, we just came in second."
- U.S. commentators, after Canadian Donavon Bailey won the 100 metre gold medal at the 1996 Olympics

"Minks are mean little critters.  Vicous, horrible little animals who eat their own.  They're not beavers.  I wouldn't wear beavers.  I'd rather have a mink coat made of mean little critters that are killed in a very nice way and treated nicely for their short, mean lives so that I could keep warm."
- Valerie Perrine, Actress

"I just don't think America wants a female host.  It's like men don't walk around in skirts in this country.  Why change a good thing?"
- Vanna White

"I don't know all the certain words to word it."
- Vanilla Ice, Rap Star, on why he hired a ghostwriter for his autobiography

"They are not jackbooted Nazi thugs. They are merely German policemen in spiffy uniforms here to help us."
- Vichy government (1941 - 1945)

"We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads."
- Vlade Divac, NBA basketball player

"You can't just let nature run wild."
- Wally Hickel, former Alaska governor

"Do Not Place Hand In Fan While Fan Is Running."
- Warning label on central air conditioning unit

"My lord, we find the man who stole the mare not guilty."
- Welsh Jury Verdict

"Well, that was a cliff-dweller."
- Wes Westrum, Baseball coach, about a close game

"We'd like to avoid problems, because when we have problems, we can have troubles."
- Wesley Bolin, Governor

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball   forward.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
- Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"It was pretty good. Even the music was nice."
- Yogi Berra, Baseball player, after attending an opera

"I really didn't say everything I said."
- Yogi Berra, Baseball player

"A nickel ain't worth a dime any more."
- Yogi Berra, Baseball player

"It's like deja vu all over again."
- Yogi Berra, Baseball player

"Always go to other peoples' funerals, otherwise they won't go to yours."
- Yogi Berra, Baseball player

"Predictions are difficult, especially about the future."
- Yogi Berra, Baseball player

"The dragon is a very powerful, mythical animal, well, probably they think I'm powerful, thank you very much."
- Yoko Ono, on being called a Dragon Lady.

"It was not my class of people. There was not a producer, a press agent, a director, an actor."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor, on the jury used for her assault trial

2. "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." * Mariah Carey

3. "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." * Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

4. "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law" * David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

5. "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." * Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

6. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." * Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

7. "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."* Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

8. "They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." * Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the companycharged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.

9. "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." * Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

10. "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." * Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

11. "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." *Former French President Charles De Gaulle

12. "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." * A congressional candidate in Texas

13. "The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet." *Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.

14. "When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame." *Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots.

15. "I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." * John Wayne

16. "Half this game is ninety percent mental." * Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

17. "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." * Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

18. "Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." * General William Westmoreland

19. "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." * Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle ata fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. (He was attempting to quote the line"a mind is a terrible thing to waste".)

20. "If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet." * Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

21. "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." *Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

22. "After a short commercial break, I'll introduce you to Kansas City's latest murder victim." *WDAF-TV news anchor